Swoonworthy Battle Heroes: February 2019 issue!

Updated: Oct 22, 2021

Hello, and welcome to an exclusive interview from Swoonworthy Battle Heroes magazine!   If you’re new to this publication (and you are, because we made it up), here’s what you need to know:

  1. SBH is an elite club exclusively for fantastical battle heroes who make all the heroines swoon

  2. Membership in this club is determined by the 4 pillars of heroism: courage, character, conquering-of-evil, and charisma (aka swoonworthiness).

  3. This month we’re inducting two NEW members — Lex (aka The Son of Prophecy) and his cohort Acarius Frost, the two hottest new heroes of Arameth* — and as a special treat, their acceptance interview is being conducted by none other than current members Wil Grimm and Jack Thomas (aka Prince Julian Vogel), heroes of Schwarzwald**!

*Arameth is a nexus world, one which touches Earth and other dimensions, but don’t worry; the heroes of Arameth won’t let anything happen to Earth… or at least, they’ll try not to. You can find out more in the Legends of Arameth series, starting with The Lex Chronicles trilogy by Crystal Crawford.

**Schwarzwald is a cloaked fairy tale kingdom hidden in the Black Forest of Germany, not that you’ll ever be able to find anything on it in the “normal” history books.  To find out more about Schwarzwald and its heroes, check out The Immortal Grimm Brothers’ Guide to Sociopathic Princesses series by M.J. Padgett (don’t forget to check out her blog, too!).


And now, the feature you all came here to see…

Lex and Acarius’ Swoonworthy Battle Heroes club induction interview

hosted by Wil Grimm and Jack Thomas

Wil: Lex, Acarius, thank you for joining me today. As you know, Swoonworthy Battle Heroes is an elite club designed for only the bravest, most committed fighters of evil. First, let me ask how your fight against evil is going?

Lex:  Uh…

Acarius:  Hey, we didn’t die!  So there’s that.

Wil:  You… You didn’t… um…

Jack: Die. They didn’t die, moving on Wil.

Acarius:  Honestly, not dying is sort of a big improvement for us… well, for some of us at least.  

Lex: He’s right.  We’re taking that as a win… even if evil is, you know, still out there.  But we killed one of them! I think…

Wil: I suppose not dying is an improvement over the alternative.

Jack: Of dying. Geez, this interview needs some–

Wil: Jack, shut up! As I was saying, it is an improvement. How long have you been battling evil?

Acarius: Oh, about a lifetime or so…

Lex: Or more… maybe like two lifetimes?  Give or take a few resurrections.

Wil: I am, unfortunately, quite familiar with resurrections… or reincarnations… Let’s just say, I am over fifteen hundred years old. My wife is 23. Anyway, what sort of evil are you fighting right now?

Lex: Whoa, wait — you’re fifteen HUNDRED years old and you’re married to someone who’s 23?  How does that —

Acarius:  Don’t be rude, Lex.   Anyway, we’re fighting… well, to be honest, no one is quite sure.  A dark goddess, maybe? She could be a demon. Or a sorceress. We haven’t exactly figured it out yet, but she’s bad.

Lex:  Yeah. She’s bad… *shudder*  

Jack: So, you’re saying she could very well be a slice of cheese? Do you even know what she looks like?

Wil: Jack, this is my interview. Would you kindly go find some peanut butter and stuff your face with it? As I was trying to ask before Jack jumped in, how do you hope to eradicate this evil from your lands?

Lex: Okay, well, first… she’s not a slice of cheese.   Have you ever seen cheese corrupt an entire world with dark magic?

Acarius:  Well, there was that piece of cheese Liz left out on the counter one time — but no.  Yeah, she’s not cheese. She’s more like…

Lex: Pure, dark evil?

Acarius: Yes.  That.

Lex:  And we will eradicate her by destroying her, of course.  What else did you think we were going to do? Invite her over for dinner?

Acarius:  For cheese sandwiches.

Lex:  Yes! Oh, or cheese and crackers.

Wil: Um… H-how old are you?

Jack: Old enough to fight evil AND be cool! This just got so much more interesting. So, what kind of nifty gadgets do you have, because we have this super cool dagger thing that–

Wil: Jack! For the love of all that is… Could you shut up? We do still have much evil to fight before we blab our secrets to the world!

Jack: But… ok, fine, commence with the boring interview.

Wil: *clears throat* Now, on to what our readers really want to know. How, exactly, do you brood in your quest? Is it a smoldery brood, a love-scorned brood, or just your general, I hate everything and everyone sort of brood?